A Thought for Today

  • I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
  • Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
  • I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  • Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
  • When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
  • I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
  • I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
  • I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
  • My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
  • I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
  • I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
  • A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and...... oohh, that's much better.
  • I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
  • Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
  • My school colors were clear.
  • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
  • I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
  • When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"
  • My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
  • I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
  • He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
  • Hermits have no peer pressure.
  • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . . . .
  • There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
  • Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
  • I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
  • I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
  • I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
  • I'm a peripheral visionary.
  • Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
  • The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
  • I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
  • I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make then they go flying by.
  • Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  • Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  • The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
  • I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
  • My reality check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
  • You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter.
  • I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  • I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
  • There are two rules for ultimate success in life:
      1. Never tell everything you know.
  • I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.